Useful Questions to ask sad/worried/mad kids and teens:

Originally written May 2017, updated September 2020, updated August 2024

Parents/caregivers often feel a lot of pressure to give “good advice”, fix problems and find solutions for their children/teens. This is true for all parents, but for parents of children and young people with emotional and mental health challenges, the pressure they feel can be even greater. They see the challenges their kids have, and feel desperate to find solutions that work - as fast as they can.

Unfortunately, there are usually no simple answers - and solutions and ways forward for young people with emotional health and life challenges need patience, and slow and steady progress rather than quick fixes.

Sometimes it can be helpful to shift the focus away from providing a solution to asking good questions of our children and young people. This is an often overlooked but sometimes incredibly powerful tool in supporting kids.

Here's why asking good questions for a child or young person who is struggling can be so helpful.

1.  It shows them we care about them.

Almost nothing shows respect, care and compassion towards someone like taking an interest in their experiences, opinions and ideas.  This is true for children and teens too. Yes, sometimes asking questions has to be done very carefully (often not in the moment of distress when they are not ready to talk, and being careful to not imply a ‘demand’ for answers) but the underlying fact remains - kind, gentle and interested questioning of a child/teen’s opinions and experiences - over time - helps children and young people know that we care about them, respect them and are interested in their perspective.

2. It helps us know how we can help

When children and young people are hurting, there is a pressure to jump in with advice, suggestions and reassurance before finding out what is really going on.  This pressure means sometimes we try to make things better before we really have the details. Instead asking more questions can help us help young people much more effectively.

3.  It helps children and young people get better at expressing their needs and feelings.

People - old and young - who have an opportunity to talk about what their think, what has happened to them, how they feel and what they want - usually have better coping skills than people who don't have that same opportunity.  Asking kids and teens questions gives them mini expression practice oppportunities - this is absolutely invaluable for the development of their emotional well being.

Of course, asking good questions is easier said than done.  

At my "Calm and Confident" seminars for parents of kids and teens, I have slides with lots of question ideas. When I first put these slides together, I was worried I was over-explaining things.  The questions seemed pretty basic.  

But my most frequent request after seminars in the past 12 months is - "can I have a copy of those question idea slides?".   

So this blog post is for all those people.  Thankyou for asking.  Here are 55 question ideas for you.  I hope they help you think about just one extra question you can ask that young person having a hard time.  Don't under-estimate how valuable it might be to someone's life.

(Disclaimer - you will have to adjust these questions according to the age of the young person, the relationship you have with them and the situation you are in)

What do you wish was different?

What’s the hardest part about that?

Are you thinking about anything bad that might happen?

What was the sad bit there for you?

What are you thinking might go wrong here?

What else has happened that makes this worse?

Do you know why you feel upset about this, or do you just feel upset?

What is the worst thing about that?

What else is hard about that situation?

Do you feel more sad/hurt/angry/worried about that or some other feeling?

Are you worried about people thinking this?

On a scale from 1-10, how worried/upset/mad/scared/hurt are you about this? Okay, so how about compared to this other thing?  

What is worse - this OR this?

What makes it better this OR this?

If I was you, I might feel worried about this - how about you?

I can imagine other people feeling pretty hurt about that - how does it feel?

Are you feeling more angry/hurt/

How does that affect you?

When you aren't busy/when you are lying in bed at night - what are the things that make you most upset?

Is there anything about this you feel embarrassed or ashamed about?

What are the some of the things you're worried people might be thinking about you?

How often are you feeling upset about it?

What do you wish you could change about yourself in all of this?

What makes you feel a bit better about all of this?

What's the most frustrating part of it all?

What do you think people don't understand about this?

What would make this a little better?

What is coming up in your week that will be hard because of this?

When was the last time you cried about this?

What else is going on for you that doesnt help?

What are the worst times for you?

If I did THIS to help - would that be good or not?

Why do you think that made you so mad/upset/worried?

Can I talk to someone about this for you?

Is there someone else you would like to talk to about this?

Has anything else helped in the past?

What helps you cope?

This might seem like a dumb question, but do you know why you are most upset about that?

What do you most wish was different?

What times of day are the hardest for you?

When do you most think about this?

Is there anytimes you feel better about this?

What can I do to help?

How does this affect you?

What things trigger that off for you?

What do you wish was different about other people in this situation?

If you could change anything about that, what would you change?

Is there anything you feel like you need to keep a secret/hidden from others?

What are the three things you keep thinking about this?

What are your options?

What would be one step forward here?

Is there anything you can do to change that

If you had unlimited powers to change things, what would you do? 

Good luck in your question asking of your young person who is going through a tough time. I hope these questions help your young person feel cared for, get better at expressing themselves and get the support they need.

Kirrilie

In Calm Kid Central we have a few video courses for parents/caregivers of primary aged children on this topic, including “Question Asking Mistakes” if you are interested in Learning more. Go to www.calmkidcentral.com if you are interested.

If you would like some more 1:1 help in knowing how to talk with a child/teen with mental or emotional health challenges, click here for information about therapy services.